Pathways to Parenthood - The paradox of too young, and not young enough
The paradox of too young, and not young enough
by Kelly Hubbell-Hinton
“The single story creates stereotypes, and the problem with stereotypes is not that they are untrue, but that they are incomplete. They make one story become the only story.” - Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
In this multi-part series, our IGG community will be sharing our stories and perspectives on the journey to parenthood -- in all its shapes, forms, and pathways.
My story as an Indigenous womxn who has chosen the pathway to parenthood is this...
Growing up, I was bombarded with messages and warnings about having sex too soon because I would get get pregnant too young. In high school, when most teens were beginning their sexual discoveries, we were told what not to do, but never what to do instead. I cannot remember an adult ever talking about contraceptives or sharing a personal story about family planning. For many members of my community, we were only told about lives that were changed, plans that were cut short, and money that was scarce -- all because a girl got pregnant too young and too soon.
Now, at 38 years old, I am neither too young, it is not too soon, and yet, I remain very much, not pregnant. For two years, my partner and I have been trying to conceive. For the earliest part of our journey we were isolated in our confusion, disappointment, and frustration. People had plenty of questions about when we would have children but nobody shared any accounts of how this is a much longer and windier path for some.
There are many societal taboos and fears of calling in a harder path for someone, when the outcome is that we are made to feel as if there is no one who understands or who can relate. In reality, ”infertility affects one in eight couples, but BIPOC women experience infertility at higher rates than their white counterparts and, importantly, BIPOC women are less likely to have adequate access to treatment, and wait longer before seeking help...Additionally, some have suggested that cultural norms play a role in keeping women from speaking about infertility due to feelings about being self-reliant, and to cultural expectations around privacy (Progeny).”
We also know that the healthcare system is rooted in racism and that the stress that comes from being exposed to discrimination while visiting a hosptial or specialist is dangerous. “The systematic racism in our society causes massive amounts of stress, flooding the body with cortisol which may increase health risks. This theory, which is known as the “weathering hypothesis” was first proposed in 1992 and suggests that increased cortisol levels associated with stress cause Black women [and women of color] to age faster. This can help in understanding why Black women [and women of color] experience higher rates of infertility than their white counterparts (Progeny).”
As I’ve searched for more information on how common my situation is, and that of other Indigenous women like me, I was alarmed to learn that as of 2018, “no research exists on American Indian pregnancy rates following infertility treatment.” There is not only a lack of data representation in fertility studies but there is also an extremely low percentage of Indigenous doctors, specifically OBGYNs. So, if Indigenous women seek data or consultation from a culturally-connected source, it is much more difficult to find this community.
So, where does that leave us?
For me, it means shining a light on a very common experience for BIPOC women who are on the pathway to parenthood, no matter what age. It means talking about the roots of our silence and also our suffering. It means sharing our stories with family and friends, without shame or omission. And it means calling in traditional views and practices into a medical process that has been white-dominated.
As a determined and self-sufficient Diné womxn, I am also in search of a community for myself and others like me. I want to share what I find and connect people to one another for support and encouragement. I want to normalize parenthood later in life and reduce the fear and panic of “geriatric pregnancy.” When a person comes to the decision and choice of parenthood, no matter what age, this should be seen as a gift from Creator.
“Infertility is bigger than babies. It’s time to talk about it.” - Regina Townsend (Broken Brown Egg)
My first experience in this fertility journey was in the city and involved a 30-minute consultation with a White doctor who threw so many medical terms and procedures at me that all I could do was try to write them all down and Google them later. There was little space for building a narrative around our experience and no attention was paid to our unique cultural backgrounds or beliefs. I knew this experience was not aligned with my parenthood story, and yet I had no other reference for where to go next. This is where my primary doctor, also a White woman, told me to go and that this is where I would get the best results.
We started the testing process and spent the next year starting and stopping the analysis due to COVID-19 safety restrictions. In the end, it was recommended we undergo fertility treatment and that we should start as soon as possible. Getting this information sent me into panic mode because now that we had a plan of action, the misalignment was sounding an alarm. I knew I needed to find a more culturally and spiritually aligned pathway before I took this advice and started an invasive process of conception.
Something in me opened up with this realization and I began to talk to everyone I knew about my journey. My husband and I opened up to our family about the process, our concerns, and requested support. I began sharing with my friends and learned that a few of them too had and were struggling as well. I began reading and looking for community resources for BIPOC women. All of this openness brought in a special referral and this summer I was connected with two matriarchs who are leading women through their personal journeys to parenthood.
Nicolle L. Gonzalez, Founder and Executive Director at Changing Women Initiative (and IGG contributor for Indigenous Midwifery), was my first stop. I visited CWI’s Corn Mother Easy Access Women’s Health Clinic in what is known as Santa Fe, NM. I was greeted by an environment filled with pictures of people who looked like me and encouraging visuals that celebrated and honored Indigenous mothers’ bodies.
Nicolle translated the various medical advice and test results that I had received at my culturally-nonspecific fertility clinic and made me feel supported, more knowledgeable and confident. Our conversation swirled together with getting to know each other, sharing information, giving medical perspective, and telling stories -- much like visiting with a relative I haven’t seen in ages, but with professional guidance. This is what I had been missing from the fertility clinic where I left feeling confused and scared. Even more, Nicolle encouraged me to think about my environment and consumption as part of this process - what am I eating, drinking and where is it coming from? What toxins am I consuming in the products that I am using? What is around me that might be harmful?
My next stop, at the referral of CWI, was Dr. Monica Lucero at Red Root Acupuncture & Herbs in what is known as Albuquerque, NM. Dr. Lucero swooped me into her kind and vibrant practice and asked me questions about my emotional, familial, and historical health. She asked about my personal and cultural beliefs about motherhood and she invited my own mother into the room as we talked about energy and intent. None of these questions were even broached in my 30-minute consultation window at the fertility clinic, and when my husband and I asked about holistic options, the response we got was padded as important but irrelevant.
Monica’s advice: you have decided to be a mother, and so you will be, no matter what that pathway looks like, and she was going to help me get there. With a combination of energy alignment, acupuncture, custom herbal support and deep hugs, Dr. Lucero sent me on my way feeling ready.
The combination of these women’s knowledge is a true gift. A gift that I want to share.If you are in the southwest and are looking for similar support, I highly recommend visiting one or both of these beautiful souls. If you are located elsewhere on Turtle Island or beyond, I’ve loved listening to stories on other’s parenthood journeys. Here are some recommendations:
I would also love to hear from anyone who is perhaps on the same path. Connect with us at indigenousgoddessgang@gmail.com with the subject: Sacred Moon Cycle.
In harmony,
KHH